Proper Facebook Etiquette

#310 Does it count if it’s not sent by Cupid?

Monday 4th February, 2008

I’m in a new relationship. New enough that they are yet to meet the parents, but established enough that we are not just ‘dating’. Question is can I send a Valentines over Facebook when I know my ex is going to be ‘watching’.

Well one word springs to mind: Cheap. And if you were my ‘new’ boy/girl friend I possibly would not be entirely pleased with your ‘grand gesture’ of just a Facebook poke or valentine themed gift. However, things are new and exciting in the first part of a relationship, and things are still very much in that honeymoon phase with Facebook. So one tactic would be to cover all bases; a Facebook love token as well as some other form of ‘from cupid’ gesture. Of course where your particular dilemma is made more complex is the associated ‘ex’ watch surveillance.

Taking account of someone else’s feelings is admirable, particularly with the way relationship ‘matters’ spring up seemingly of their own accord through various news and mini feeds. My guess is that the ex is already expecting some form of romance based token to e exchanged between you and your new interest. Moreover, it may surprise you to learn that they already have been ‘watching’ your various moves from flirtatious wall postings, pokes and gifts. The fact that on the 14th these will take place on a particular day intended for those ‘in love’ will no doubt be bittersweet and depending on your moves. If say you just through a sheep at your new partner, well it is unlikely that your ex is going to feel either displeased or out of place, possibly more relieved and happy that they are not on the receiving end of such actions. Of course they could just be waiting for you to fall flat on your face in the world of social networks and conveniently rush in and ‘pick up the pieces’. Another line is that they really do not give a damn and are far too engaged with their own new romance that does not involve sheep throwing and some real lip-locking action at a suitably romantic location near by.

At a stretch you could give up on what your ex thinks and feels, and concentrate on how you want to ‘reveal’ and have fun with your new love. Or download the Zoost or FlirtWithMe applications and make out you have more hits than Cupid’s arrow…

How ever your day pans out; Happy Valentines Day!

19 Responses to “#310 Does it count if it’s not sent by Cupid?”

  1. Miss Maz Hardey says:

    @ Anon

    Exactly right. When students welfare is at risk it is the responsibility of the university to work in the interests of the whole student community.

    Clearer guidelines on what students can expect and the role of the provision of care by the university have clearly gone array in this case. And i am sure that there will be others like these in the future.

    Where there is confusion is over ‘public domain’ and ownership, and therefore consequences , of items posted to SNSs. One for a White Paper and something that students and universities should collaborate on together.

  2. Anonymous says:

    This is a comment on the monitoring of Facebook by a University. The photos are in the public domain. The student was clearly breaking Hall rules. The loss of a fire extinguisher could put people at risk. Rules exist to make community living possible. It is the job of the Hall management to make sure students are safe. I have no problem with how they acted. The BBC programme on Facebook interviewed an Oxford student about similar behaviour after exams. Same rule apply.

  3. Miss Maz Hardey says:

    @ uni Anon,

    Ok your experience marks an interesting and somewhat invasive layering of various points of contact and access on FB. so i’m going to expand some thoughts on this further in a later posting …. watch this space!

    Meantime. Yes fully appreciate your privacy has somewhat been infringed here. Sad to say as you belong to the uni network (ie youve signed up to the univeristy and use a uni email account to log into and access FB) then technically things are on their side. HOWEVER, i share your ‘disgust’ and sense of invasion – particular over an experience that otherwise would be ‘of the moment’ and dealt with and forgetten there and then, not to be dredged up at a later date and in an unexpected ‘official’ capacity.

    So this is where it gets tricky. You were savvy enough not to tag yourself or publically place your own pictures of the event on FB. But friends and networks being what they are can do this for you. One way of policing this is to ‘de-tag’ yourself from pictures. But then you are implicated anyway if recogniseable. Another tact to keep all photos on limited profile – again trickier if this is done through friends links.

    So we have an interesting lag, and play of catch up, in terms of how to handle oneself on SNSs AND how other authorities use and access such information…

    For now sit tight. I would explain that it was an ‘of the moment ‘ occurance and should be treated as such. Obviously such actions have consequences, one of which you have already faced with the uni ‘invading’ your privacy. It is hard to offer an official take as all insitutions have their own methods and protocols when handling such situations. Do remember that for ‘the Dean’ their hands may be tied in this matter too, and may have to make an ‘example’ of you. Again i would explain about the invasion of privacy and intrusion felt in what should be a personal and ‘safe’ space. As this is a ‘new’ matter both in terms of student behaviour and university action, I would use this as a defence to not feel pressured into implicating others. BUt perhaps explain to them that 1. a united front is stronger and 2. maybe use this as an nopporutnity to propose a ‘white paper’ for apporpriate student and university behaviour .

    this could be your ‘punishment’ and be used with the SU and university to prevent future events and disagreements such as yours. In addition you could add a claim to ‘fame’ to your bow and be known as that person that safe-guarded student privacy and made FB a safe space for students and uni instituions alike!


  4. Anonymous says:

    This is an anonymous contribution for reasons that will be clear. At a party at the end of last term in Halls some photos were snapped of the gang done up in our primitive theme gear. Someone let off the kitchen fire extinguisher so there is a photo of me covered in foam which I put with lots of others on my Facebook page. I have now got a letter from the dean of the hall saying I’ll be fined for breaking the rules and pressuring me to tell on who else was there. The University has gone through my Facebook photos and found the one from the party. I think this is outrageous and invades my privacy.

    Not direct comment on your post but this is a great blog and though others might want to share in my experience.

  5. Miss Maz Hardey says:

    @ Post to all my contacts Anon,

    NOthing to stop you from sending out some ‘generic’ ‘love vibes’ on V day, just make sure when you replicate you do not duplicate on the messaging or you may get caught out!

    Nothing like feeling as though youre valued and deserve an indiviual message to make a ‘gal’ feel special


  6. Anonymous says:

    So I should not do a universal message to all my contacts on V day?

  7. Miss Maz Hardey says:

    @ Henry dude

    Im going to take a wild guess and assume you have a large fan base, and one that will be interested in your various relationship status modifications… Maybe the Spice Girls could follow your lead ‘together’ one day ‘falling apart’ the next…

  8. Miss Maz Hardey says:

    @ Anon (cheap gifts)

    Great style, take those ‘free’ riders to task – nothing wrong with a poke, but it’s not a real gesture of togetherness, bit like the ‘inevitable’ fluffy toys that do the rounds on V day


  9. Miss Maz Hardey says:

    @ Jenny,

    Quite right too with the status show-off’s, or maybe they are just bored! still it takes up precious space in the newsfeed!

    *shove off* indeed!

  10. Miss Maz Hardey says:

    @ Sarah S,

    So pleased you’ve ‘stumbled upon ‘ my blog – what’s a little family promotion hmmm!

    Yes aboslutely social ‘tools’ , lets call them shared media for ease, do indeed have a place in education not only as a networked or social arena – i’ll send you some links and sources that you may find of use! meanwhile enjoy the postings! ‘Educational’ in a different way! 😀

  11. Anonymous says:

    So bored with guys trying it on Facebook wise. I know I’m cute and sexy so won’t be owned by one of these. get out of my status cloud losers!
    Oh and can I say don’t think those ‘gifts’ will get you anywhere – cheapskates

  12. Henry dude says:

    I’m going to change my status everyday – that will keep the babes guessing and competing. MySpace allows more full on photos of me best bits than F/crap.

  13. Jenny says:

    I keep relationship status off – no need to display. Those interested either know already or would ask. Don’t get this competitive status stuff. Form of bigging up. Show offs – shove off :)

  14. Sarah Stewart says:

    Love this blog! I was given the address by your dad who I contacted about e-health.

    As a
    midwifery educator
    I have been very interested to watch various discussions about how appropriate it is to use FB in education – what do you think – should FB be purely a social tool or could it be incorporated into education programs?

    best wishes Sarah

  15. Miss Maz Hardey says:

    @ Anon and Studone,

    well you’re quite the ventuous one aren’t you. Reminds me of ‘bitter&twisted’s’ commentary but in a different way! maybe i’m thinking of the ‘honey’s’ reaction to you status changes – if only they knew the motivation hmmm…

    well if you must keep both on the boil so to speak, then yes i would recommend you ‘play ‘ things safe and take off your relationship ‘status’. Better safe than sorry right ?!

    Besides such modifications only reflect those little tweaks that we make in our offline lives, such as being in touch with friends, boy/girlfriends across a range of shared media and in a range of ways. how we live out and ‘play’ around with possible romances also follow similar trajectories.

    And this time round remember that cupid might need arrows for more than one of your ‘honeys’.

  16. StudOne says:

    Both honeys read your blog so don’t use my name in case i hit the wrong thing just then.

  17. Anonymous says:

    Going to go off status – my girl at college wants a change but the girl back home is now at U and would see. A guy thing but I want to keep both happy. One is a family friend – but the other dam fine!

  18. Miss Maz Hardey says:

    @ bitter&twisted, oh the relationship status entry – a tricky area of socal negotiaion if ever there was one!

    Personally mine’s set to, well that’s for me to know!…

    Anyways, I don’t think that there’s a drop down box for B&T, but you could try a friendly poke of a friend or two and see what comes back.

    Failing that why so bitter, why so twisted, why not be relieved you do not have to enter into a half-hearted and no doubt overally commercial led exchage of cards, ribbons, the obligatory ‘pink or red’ item that could just make that ‘smug’ relationship status look more like ‘mug’.

    Well whatever comes your way I’m sure FB will provide an accompanying source of amusement and dilly dally-ence!


  19. Bitter&Twisted says:

    Will be seeing new smug in a relationship status after the 14th?

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