Proper Facebook Etiquette

#705 Twelve Days of Christmas – A Facebook Reply

Tuesday 16th December, 2008

Sharing URL http://pfbe.net/OblhCx

On the first day of Christmas,
My True Love (Henry) sent to me:
A Friend Request from the social network site ye olde Facebook-ee

My very dearest Henry:

How can I begin to thank you for your charming Christmas gift? What an unexpected ruse!
A Friend Request of my very own. Well about time. You really are a charming young man. Thank you, my darling and of course we shall be Facebook friends forever.

All my love.

Yours with affection,

Penelope

On the second day of Christmas,
My True Love sent to me:
Two Facebook messages,
And a Friend Request from the social network site ye olde Facebook-ee.

My dearest Henry:

You truly are quite impulsive, my love. Your Facebook messages were a dream to read. How considerate and thoughtful of you to think of me. I must say, their content leaves very little to the imagination. But it is the season for romance and good will to all men.

Thank you with gusto, my dear sweet man.

Affectionately yours,

Penelope

PS: I almost forgot to thank you for your second Friend Request – you are an eager and amorously led devil aren’t you! One request will quite suffice!

On the third day of Christmas,
My True Love sent to me:
Three Wall Posts,
Two Facebook messages,
And a Friend Request from the social network site ye olde Facebook-ee.

Dearest Henry:

You know, my darling, you really should know your limits. Your latest Facebook gesture has just been delivered. It’s simply too much! What an imaginative charm you have, but it was quite inappropriate to post such potential shinanigans on my Wall. What if my boss was to read your wooing ways?! I’m only sorry that I hadn’t put either you, or them on Limited Profile.

Much love,

Penelope.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
My True Love sent to me:
Four Fan Pages,
Three Wall Posts,
Two Facebook messages,
And a Friend Request from the social network site ye olde Facebook-ee.

Dear Henry:

Your four Group Requests have just arrived and should, perhaps more aptly, be described
as Banned Pages, since their content is somewhat more appropriate to those with raised eyebrows and low morals. I can honestly say, Henry, that I’d always thought a Fan Page was a rather pleasent and positive attribute – until that is you gave me such an overly amorous and suggestive presentation.

Love,

Penelope

PS: I do hope you get the message that ONE Friend Request will suffice. We are already Facebook friends my dear there is no need for the repeated gesture.

On the fifth day of Christmas,
My True Love sent to me:
Five Status Updates,
Four Fan Pages,
Three Wall Posts,
Two Facebook messages,
And a Friend Request from the social network site ye olde Facebook-ee.

Henry:

Thank you for your latest gifted Facebook exchange of five Status Updates rings, a somewhat curious series of commentary, but nevertheless a refreshing change from all your ‘romantic’ albeit almost blue messages you will keep sending me. I doubt if I should have gone on that last date with you if I known what you had in mind. Could we ease up on the foul language, do you think?

Cordially,

Penelope.

On the sixth day of Christmas,
My True Love sent to me:
Six Group Requests
Five Status Updates,
Four Fan Pages,
Three Wall Posts,
Two Facebook messages,
And a Friend Request from the social network site ye olde Facebook-ee.

Dear Henry Feather Pinkus-nose:

I see we are back with the requests again. Your six Group Requests have just arrived, and seem quite happy to range far and wide with their membership without my added dimension. I rather thought I’d mentioned to you how it was with me and repeated requests. Thank you for putting me right about your intention behind your Status Updates; whilst it was your intention to ‘charm’ rather than to ‘alarm’, I was never one for constant and protracted communication. Of course, I am very pleased that you should have thought of thinking me worthy of five updates in one day, but this is surely more than is necessary for one person to be able to give due care and attention to. I seldom seem to have my eyes away from that Status window of yours long enough to try and respond appropriately to them.

Yours,

Penelope B.

On the seventh day of Christmas,
My True Love sent to me:
Seven uploaded photos,
Six Group Requests,
Five Status Updates,
Four Fan Pages,
Three Wall Posts,
Two Facebook messages,
And a Friend Request from the social network site ye olde Facebook-ee.

Dear Mr Henry Feather Pinkus-nose:

I have just succeeded in browsing your seven uploaded photos which was no mean achievement when one considers the ongoing Friend Requests that take up my Facebook notifications. I must now ask you to desist from sending me any more of these well-intentioned but slightly discordant and at times inappropriately amorous gifts.

Penelope Withbelle.

PS: I hadn’t realised just how laborious replying to your Friend Requests would be, or how badly you seem to be taking my ‘ignore’ (in)action to your repeated intentions.

On the eighth day of Christmas,
My True Love sent to me:
Eight tagged Notes,
Seven uploaded photos,
Six Group Requests,
Five Status Updates,
Four Fan Pages,
Three Wall Posts,
Two Facebook messages,
And a Friend Request from the social network site ye olde Facebook-ee.

Mr Henry Feather Pinkus-nose:

Sweet love notes is one thing. Eight extensive notelets proclaiming in no uncertain terms undying love is something else altogether. True, letter writing does have a certain charm that is all too easily lacking in a world mediated through technology, but you wouldn’t believe how my other friends have reacted! You may also care to consider that I have only so much room in my life for such insatitiable, and public, declarations of your love and will definitely be de-tagging myself from their content. Take that from one who wants to keep her private life private. Please call a halt to this absurd behavior.

Miss Penelope Withbelle.

On the ninth day of Christmas,
My True Love sent to me:
Nine pokes pokings,
Eight tagged Notes,
Seven uploaded photos,
Six Group Requests,
Five Status Updates,
Four Fan Pages,
Three Wall Posts,
Two Facebook messages,
And a Friend Request from the social network site ye olde Facebook-ee.

Mr. Pinkus-nose::

Thanks to your weird sense of humor, my Facebook Profile is now in utter chaos. As if it
wasn’t bad enough having sixteen tagged Notes producing all manner of everything from outrage to uncontained amusement by friends, I find myself now covered in bruises from nine pokes, as you amusingly call them, poking here, there and everywhere. One came at a most inappropriate time when I was midway through shopping for Christmas gifts on an unrelated site. The most open and sympathetic view I can take of your actions is that you are clearly out of your tiny mind. Enough is enough! Do pack it in, for your sake as much mine!

Miss P. Withbelle.

PS: Fortunately, I am finding it easier to ignore your repeated Friend Requests and am seriously considering blocking you from my profile altogether.

On the tenth day of Christmas,
My True Love sent to me:
Ten Facebook carol Applications a-singing,
Nine pokes pokings,
Eight tagged Notes,
Seven uploaded photos,
Six Group Requests,
Five Status Updates,
Four Fan Pages,
Three Wall Posts,
Two Facebook messages,
And a Friend Request from the social network site ye olde Facebook-ee.

Unspeakable wretch:

Your misguided generosity has apparently led you to suppose that I find in some way charming the monstrous noise of ten Facebook carols a-singing. These might add a charming ‘musical’ backdrop to all your other requests if only they had not broken my laptop speakers and caused my boss to pronounce that I was ‘up to no good’. I understand that now my entire office is up
in arms about all the ruckus, and the recent outbreaks of foul language across my profile that has now reached epidemic proportions; and if the antics I been privileged to read from your messages and notes several of my colleagues have started to hint that I may soon find myself in what in polite society we call an ‘interesting condition’. For your information, I have now reached the end of my social committments to you, which is more than can be said for those damn Friend Requests of yours.

C. Withbelle (Miss).

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
My True Love sent to me:
Eleven Market Listings,
Ten Facebook carol Applications a-singing,
Nine pokes pokings,
Eight tagged Notes,
Seven uploaded photos,
Six Group Requests,
Five Status Updates,
Four Fan Pages,
Three Wall Posts,
Two Facebook messages,
And a Friend Request from the social network site ye olde Facebook-ee.

Cretinous toad:

Have you got even the remotest idea what it is to invade someone’s privacy?! Of course, it only adds very slightly to the hideous cacophony of requests, tagging and updates that I must now daily endure. I swear there’s more calling and social update shouting that arrives here than on the rest of Facebook. If there’s any room left I might seriously consider opening my Profile to the public and letting others take you to task. My boss has seen fit to take out a notice of dismissal against me, as he claims, somewhat surprisingly, that the terms of my working day I do not cover the production of quality work what with the constant stream of Facebook information more appropriate for one with O.C.D.

P.B.

PS: Please be advised that all future correspondence between us will be handled by my other Facebook friends, Bob, Picolilli, Brahma and Molson.

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My True Love sent to me:
Twelve Event invitations,
Eleven Market Listings,
Ten Facebook carol Applications a-singing,
Nine pokes pokings,
Eight tagged Notes,
Seven uploaded photos,
Six Group Requests,
Five Status Updates,
Four Fan Pages,
Three Wall Posts,
Two Facebook messages,
And a Friend Request from the social network site ye olde Facebook-ee.

Facebook Message from: Bob, Picolilli, Brahma and Molson.

Dear Mr. Smith:

Re: Miss Penelope Withbelle, de-networked.

We are the executors of the Facebook Profile of the above-named and now de-networked. We are writing to acknowledge receipt of your recent delivery of twelve event invitations. You will no doubt be distressed to learn that shortly after the arrival of these invitations our friend, in what must be described as a somewhat deranged and disturbed state of mind, immediately threw her laptop out the window and is now in police custody for damage to private property. Before taking this dramatic step, however, she left instructions with ourselves for the adding of a codicil to her Faceboook Profile, under which you are her sole intendee. We are therefore arranging for the following actions to be delivered to you later this day:

12 Event invitations;
22 Market Listings;
30 Facebook carol Applications a-singing;
36 pokes pokings;
40 tagged Notes;
42 uploaded photos;
42 Group Requests;
40 Status Updates;
36 Fan Pages;
30 Wall Posts;
22 Facebook messages;
and 11 Friend Requests!

With our assurance of our best intention at all times – although kindly do not ‘friend’ us on Facebook.

Yours faithfully,

Bob, Picolilli, Brahma and Molson. Not your Facebook friends.

Merry Christmas.

With inspiration from the original Twelve Days of Christmas carol and the brilliant play written by Brian Sibley with Penelope Keith: And Yet Another Partridge In a Pear Tree (BBC transcription).

Brian’s wonderfully clever and amusing tale can be heard via the BBC Radio 7 iPlayer – retrievable for seven days following the transmission on BBC Radio 7 on 14th December.

10 Responses to “#705 Twelve Days of Christmas – A Facebook Reply”

  1. Anonymous says:

    I think this is nothing short of brilliant, Ms Hardey. I will post the url for all my "friends" to see, in the hope that some will take heed. Thank you!

  2. Anonymous says:

    Yo lets have a rapper version with bros

  3. Anonymous says:

    ‘ease up on the foul language’ – thats a turkey I presume!

    A delight

  4. Mariann Hardey says:

    @ Anon,

    I would be delighted for the Beeb to take hold and recreate my version to run with the original – perhaps penelope keith could help!

    😀

  5. Anonymous says:

    What a great recreation – I hope the BBC could set your version up to run with the original.

  6. Mariann Hardey says:

    @P&P

    pleased you like the post, i very much enjoyed writing it!

  7. Pears and Partridge says:

    Love your recreation of Brain’s Miss Bracegirdle – found you via his blog. Nice to the spirit of the piece works in this new world.

  8. Mariann Hardey says:

    @ Brian,

    au contraire, it is I who am flattered that you have read my blog!

    After only recently stumbling across your alternative 12 days it is without doubt one of my favourite (and now essential) festive ‘frills’ – or should that be thrill?…

    very touched you enjoyed the post!

    Merry xmas – no partridges here thank goodness.

  9. Brian Sibley says:

    Delicious! And I am very flattered to have been parodied!

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