Proper Facebook Etiquette

#707 New Year Woe:We’re dating the same guy.

Friday 9th January, 2009

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A friend of a friend just posted on my Wall about a new guy she’s seeing. Quote he’s ‘hot to trot’. Turns out he’s the same guy as I’m seeing. So whilst he’s not boyfriend of either of us it’s made things complicated. I’m finding myself Facebook stalking her and him for clues as to where they’ve been, what they’ve been doing and whether he’s having a better time with her. Should I cut my loses or wait for a better explanation?

Sounds like a dilemma made up entirely of excuses, coupled with the opportunity to social stalk, stalk, stalk and, in short, become obsessed. Dating is supposed – I am reliably informed – to be ‘fun’. Whilst Mr Puts It About (PIA) is neither a possession to own nor trophy to parade in front of others there is sense from your dilemma that You would like him to be ‘your boyfriend’. ‘Sanctifying all others’ as the vows go.

This is either A. Because you are hopefully, and hopelessly, in Lurrve with the fellow, or B. Want to claim ownership since it has become apparent that he is enjoying ‘stolen’ moments with another. Shock. What a fiend (?!)

With Lurrve, the one with the capital L people are inspired to do and overcome any situation to find time to be with ‘the one’. Distances become nothing, time away opportunity to miss and lust ever strongly for the imagined moment you are together again and the dating of others takes a back seat as you both committ to enjoy time with each other.

Take heed, it’s likely this chap enjoys your company – you are ‘dating’ after all – but he is not looking for anything ‘serious’. There are courses of action that one could take such as ‘forcing’ the situation to a head. A case of ‘me or her’. Perhaps such an ultimatum posted to both their Walls would serve to direct your purpose… HOWEVER, I would avoid this course of action. Akin to a shameless public show down you’ll find yourself suddenly popular on friends newsfeeds, but unlikely to end up happy in Lurrve.

What I am tenderly trying to get you to acknowledge is that whilst Mr PIA no doubt admires, enjoys and is happy in your company, he is also equally happy with the ‘other’ woman. A woman who awkwardly, as Facebook fate would have it, is also a shared friend in both your networks. With the openness of friend lists, mutual reading of Wall posts, familiarity amongst friends of friends and the accumulation of yet more friends crossing from one network to another there will no doubt be ever more increasing situations such as the one you describe.

In short if you are confident and happy to date a chappy who may be ‘yours’ on a Monday, Wednesday and Saturday and someone else’s the rest of the time then I would try to avoid the temptation to ‘track down’ the various Status Updates with other women. Cancel your Facebook notifications on these topics so you will not be forced to read constant updates of flirtatious exchanges. This action does not help with the temptation you will feel to read their various communications that are absent from your newsfeed. That ‘Wall-to-Wall’ option is a tasty temptation in itself. There’s really only one course of action for your sanity. If you do not think that this is enough for you in terms of emotional satisfaction or attachment then take time to withdraw from this current dating escapade and head for pastures anew. Let Mr PIA enjoy his company with your friend and find yourself a Mr Charming instead. This makes you more capable of being able to enjoy a casual acquaintance with Mr PIA and the friend.

OR constantly update your Status Update’s with your own dating incidence. ‘So there’ 😛

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