#751 Feeling USED: Husbands a cheat on Facebook
Sunday 19th July, 2009
I used my husbands password to see what he was doing on Facebook and found he was chatting to a girl aged 18 (he is 35) and another one of 19. There are lots of dirty messages and one has sent topless photos to him. I’m so mad. What is he doing? Seriously think of dumping the cheating b***
(this dilemma was originally posted by ‘Anon’ in a reply to a previous post)
*sigh* There are times when the heady world of ubiquitous communication can unravel around us. To say that this is the fault of Facebook, mobile phones, email etc. is to disbelieve that individuals can and should take responsibility for their own actions.
Before we get to the ‘cheating b*****’ dimensions (and I do sympathise). Your motivation for logging into your husbands Facebook account must have been a reaction to other issues. In short, you did not suddenly take it upon yourself to ‘snoop’ in this way without some other prior ‘evidence’, or gut feeling. So Facebook aside, suspicians were already raised to ‘high’. There are times when the dilemmas that arise here seem to come with not only a call for ‘help’ and ‘advice’, but as a way of (hoping) to foresee how things will pan out in the future.
Unfortunately I am not blessed with a crystal ball, but if things are at the snooping and suspicious stage already there is a HUGE black hole at the centre of your relationship. If you are currently at a loss for ‘what to do’ becuase this has all come as a shock to you, I would recommend some social distancing from the b***** – whether in the form of a physical break from each other, or dealing head on with the situation via a ‘we need to talk’ scenario. Whatever route you choose the ‘we need to talk’ is an inevitable and vital path to you both moving forward.
So far there is a gigantic gulf that stands between both of you communicating with one another. ironic when you consider that your husband seems quite capable of holding coherent (albeit sleazy) contact with others on Facebook. If you are undecided as to whether you should ‘dump’ and move on, or try and work things out, then I am afraid that I cannot offer any improved clarity.
I think from what you mention in your dilemma that your anger is more focused on the ‘what the hell is up to?!’ perspective, rather than surprise, or even a sense of betrayal at your treatment – although these are both dimensions of the same set of emotional responses.
One perspective is that your husband is doing nothing (too) wrong. Yes, he is messaging across Facebook and exchanging images in a Jordan-esque expose’. In my book, whether physical or emotional, this kind of exchange is unacceptable in a relationship and belongs to the world of school playground look and grab lust. If these are his actions on Facebook, this does not bode well for his level of committment to you and and your relationship.
Be careful when you bring this matter up with b***** that he does not rely on such justifications, ‘it’s only on Facebook, it’s not like i’m sleeping with them’ convenience. Sometimes the very fact that you are already seeking out ways to explain your husbands actions – such as hacking into his Facebook – show that this relationship has been over for some considerable period already. And this is answer enough.
So far you’re only ‘seriouly thinking of dumping…’ Why not go the whole hog? He already has. A simple change to his relationship status may just be the jolt in the emotional respositary side of his brain to 1. gain some respect for yourself and 2. make him wake up to take responsibility for his actions. (I suspect point 1. holds more liklihood, than point 2.)
In sum, your husbands actions on Facebook reflect his emotional (and increasingly physical) unavailability to you. The kind of tactics deployed when man was beast and would thumb a mammouth over the head and drag back to his cave. He is making himself deliberately unavailable for committment and to your relationship. Something, for both of you, is unfulfilled here. He is incapable of making a choice to be with you and his recklessness/carelessness displayed via Facebook may be his way of forcing you to deal with this aspect of your relationship.
Ask yourself, did you have to hunt around for his password, or was this left out in the open for you to ‘discover’ and therefore use? A classic way of avoiding responsibility or acknowledgement of a problem. Talk about infantile. But there is a positive frame here, the power is with you. It is up to you whether you decide to stay with Mr b*****, or to leave. The worst thing you can do is delay any kind of action and leave things brimming beneath the surface. The longer you delay action, the more drained you will feel as your choices and ability to rationally think fall away by the day.
It was not an acceptable action to hack into your husbands account, this aside, more unacceptable is what you have since encountered and what you are going through now. Nobody deserves this kind of betrayal, and b***** needs to know that he has meet his match. Whether you can reason to stay with him or not, is not important at this stage. What you need to concentrate on and ask youself is whether you even want a relationship with this kind of closed and immature individual.
The easiest solution is to call his bluff. Just leave. It is clear by his actions that is what he wants. His actions are not those of a man in a state of love, nor are they conducive to either of your future happiness. Start acting now. You have, both, already made mistakes, but yours is a brighter path and will be the future making of you.Tweet