#754 Shouldn’t he just get on with it?
Sunday 26th July, 2009
My boyfriend and I split up. All our friends know as they’re all on Facebook and read some of his posts to me – some of which were quite harsh and all of which hurt me. I deleted most of his words and now he’s insisting that it never happened and that he loves me and we should get back together. It was his decision for the split. One day we were on, then the next he had dumped me – well updated his status to ‘single’ on Facebook. We have been together for a couple of years and we are good friends and I do really care about him deep down. I thought that we could talk anything through and sort things out. Now it’s always all about him. His ambition and needs. I seem to be everything that is making him unhappy. I love him, but why would he want to deliberately hurt me like this?
I sense from your words that you wish for your boyfriend to re-establish some sense of propriety in his treatment of you, and with such ‘maturity’, realise what he is missing. Namely you and your relationship. His behaviour, however is suggestive of something more passive aggressive. One instance you are ‘on’. Then the next ‘off’ – and all verbalised through Facebook?! Even I am shocked at his lack of respect and emtional empathy.
Sometimes it is better to have distance and to let things take their course. In your situation a means to all him to gain some sense of himself in terms of his behaviour toward you and attitude toward your relationship. BUT from your words it sounds as if the situation between the two of you has gone too far for this already. The skulking around on Facebook (because essentially that is what he is doing before he posts anything to your page) and the glib little commentary broadcast to your audience of friends must be disheartening in the first, then completely undermining and debeilitating in the last. *sigh*
In a different time and place your boyfriend may be considered a witty hero for his banter to post such relationship expose’ – is he an author in the making? an actor taking on board a new style of emotional performance? Or does he just thrive on emotional drama as a fixture in his life? This last seems the most likely. And after such theatrical turmoil(s) he has you as a ‘good friend’ to fall back on.
This guy does not deserve your respect. Let alone your friendship. Yes, you may have been togehter ‘for years’ and the relationship started as a mutual closeness. But you are without mutual respect. And this means that you shall continue to be the wounded party and the one who is so publicly trodden upon. It sounds as though you are in danger of being sucked into his black hole, to repeat the same drama over and over: You’re on, you’re off, you’re hurt, he leaves, he returns – in short, set your relationship status to ‘its complicated’.
The other reason for your dilemma post may be for explanation of ‘why did he do this?’ I am not casting aspersions as to your character, but he is doing precisely this because he can. I’m sure that you are stronger than you think you are. It may seem difficult coming out of a relationship, but think of things this way, here is a situation where you can positively embrace your mal treatment to recognise that you deserve better in the future. This is an invaluable lesson, and one which (years from now) you may want to thank your ‘boyfriend’ for. I suggest as little contact with him as possible – should his behaviour continue in such reckless, pointless and disrespectful exchanges for all the world to see.
Like you, I am puzzled as to why there is so much tooing and froing and how he can justify such crass denial of his actions, when not only you, but also all your friends have seen for themsevles his behaviour. There may even be logical reason for his discord, but if he is unwilling to share – then possibly you are both in danger of overdoing things on the drama front.
There’s no need for drastic action. I can understand why you would not want to ‘block’ your boyfriends profile from your own, but perhaps a good positioning for you would be to ‘block’ his newsfeeds to you, to hide your status updates and wall from him and then you can both have breathing – and most importantly – private space. Remember there was a time when you communicated off Facebook and it would help both of you to ease things along if you could recapture this for the future.
So from now, there’s no reason why he cannot communicate to you, rather than at you. The fact that his existence seems to rely on making you unhappy in order to fulfil his peace of mind is disturbing and unhealthy. He needs to learn to take responsibility for his actions, to live on his own and learn that he is (at present) unable to have a healthy partnership with you – for whatever reason(s). Thus far, you are the one who has remained composed (by not posting back nasties to him) and have been accordingly comprimised by shouldering the responsibility for ‘everything that has gone wrong’. Your gut is right. Your emtional highs and lows may have seemed exciting at first – even have been part of the attraction in your relationship – but highs and lows will not temper into the perfect companionable future.
Being wanted and needed is wonderfully flattering. But at present your boyfriend (whilst demanding) deserves neither. Instead he is coming across as needy and indecisive. Hardly attractive qualities.
So put stop to ANY exchanges over Facebook and at the same time give your mutual friends distance from the dramas. A sense of obligation to him because you were once ‘close’ will colonise your every moment if you let it. This kind of ‘support’ would not only be misplaced, but also dangerous. You could both end up trapped forever.
In short, it DID happen, he DOES NOT love you and you should NOT get back together. So shouldn’t he just get on with it? Yes.Tweet