Proper Facebook Etiquette

#577 Too old; too married; too fat to be of interest…

Friday 16th October, 2009

Dear Mariann,
I think my tutor is hitting on me at Facebook. He keeps up a stream of pokes and posts that are jokey but more sexual. He does not act that way in class but my friends are joking about us because they see what he is doing. I don’t know what to do as I can’t tell him to push off as he marks my work.Oh he is too old too married and too fat to be of interest in THAT way!!!!!!
(From Anonymous in response to the post ‘A Battle Ground of Sexual Ego’)

Upon reading your dilemma, I find myself reaching for the Red Phone – reserved for emergency conundrums that require a direct line to the superheros best to deal with today’s deviant master minds.

Initially, his first poke was intended to see if you would respond. Upon a ‘stream’ pokes and posts it is obvious that he wants to get off with you. I have no doubt that he realises that you are a student and thus he is in a position of power and responsibility over you. Not that his behaviour suggests that he is taking this role seriously. I can see why your situation is ‘sticky’ – metaphorically and, perhaps otherwise – In the first instance, IF you are seen to respond you will only add to the ‘drama’ that he is creating between you both. In the second, IF you do not respond he will take this as an unconscious sign of consent on your part to continue harassing you in such a manner.

Do not respond. You will just be seen to encourage his arousal and/or be burdened with monologues about his dull life. First step BLOCK his Profile from your Facebook account. Ensure that he does not know any other method of contact with you. If you feel like you want to take this further (and I would encourage you to think seriously about this) then keep a record of his communication and seek someone you trust with whom you can bring to their attention your sticky situation. I suspect with a swift lock of Privacy Settings you will be able to ‘encourage’ his attentions off of you. However, I would not be surprised if his flirtations were also prevalent in other places and that you were not the only one getting a good poking.

I recall when I worked for a ‘media’ firm in the city I had similar univited intrusions upon my professional life with my boss. Upon his first introduction to me at the Christmas party, my boss started with the opener, ‘Excellent stuff, I thought you were my date for the evening. Even better now we’ll be working and rubbing up alongside everyday together’. Rather than tell him to ‘drop dead’ (I was a young, naive and fresh-faced graduate with an English Literature degree to boot) I grinned and bared it for a total of 8 months.

Daily he would send inhouse emails saying he was ‘looking forward to my reports’ and inviting me to ‘report to him’ etc. and getting increasingly sexually explicity. I expect he thought he was being thoroughly charming. I would like to say that I was flattered, but like your tutor he was too old; too married; too fat to be of interest – add to this too up his own arse. Plus his knowledge of the English language was full of errors and so unoriginal in its contents even IF I had found him attracted I would have fallen asleep before any other kind of bed based activity could take place.

This was before Facebook. And I could not ‘block’ him from my user account. He ran the company after all. In the end instead of hitting his delete button, I hit my own. I left his company, his greasy chubby hands and oily words and have never looked back. He did find me on Facebook the other day and had the cheek to send a Friend Request. I have never hit ‘ignore’ with such a flourish and swipe of key strokes! In short there are ways and means to delete this man from your life. You are smart enough to run rings around his underhand pokes and make sure such intrusions are positioned elsewhere. Preferably up his arse. Although he might like that.

14 Responses to “#577 Too old; too married; too fat to be of interest…”

  1. Nuget says:

    What about the social networking site just for UK students, Studyvox ( ) ? Will this kill FB and Myspace?

  2. hotbod says:

    "[M]ost male lecturers know that, most years, there will be a girl in class who flashes her admiration and who asks for advice on her essays. What to do?Enjoy her! She's a perk. She doesn't yet know that you are only Casaubon to her Dorothea, Howard Kirk to her Felicity Phee, and she will flaunt you her curves. Which you should admire daily to spice up your sex, nightly, with the wife."
    From the Times Higher Education Supplement "The seven deadly sins of the academy," Kealey (vice-chancellor of the University of Buckingham. Dirty Old Fool Oh is that the only private Uni in the UK?

  3. BigBoy says:

    I wish my tutor would hit on me

  4. Ann says:

    Marion, I don't have much time. I've triple booked myself for this w/e. All my toy boys are visiting. All check facebook? This IS Serious!

    Help! Ann

  5. Dr Mariann Hardey says:

    @Anons, perhaps I should disallow Anon postings if you're going to be so serious 😉

  6. Dr Mariann Hardey says:

    @rob, quite right. Where is Anon One's tone leading… do they share a seriousness of social situations such as those raised by my sometime 'religious posting friends'…

    More fool you AnonOne you may get a tongue firmly in cheek reply yet. Or have to bear the weight of your own misanthrpoic adventures


  7. Rob says:

    Re: the first poster on this comment thread…

    I thought this blog was supposed to be light-hearted?

  8. JoanD says:

    I searched the web to my daughters web information. I saw foul language and the revealing pics so I told her to add me as a friend or else (she is 17) I check on her page all the time to make sure she is representing herself like I want her to. I go on her page to check things out, go to her pics frequently and see who is commenting on them, and then go to their page. I found people I didn't even know about there. I would know any teachers hitting on her.

  9. Anonymous says:

    I'm a very insecure/jealous person. I have problems with MSN and chat rooms. My boyfriend and I use different identities with passwords, on the computer, so I'm not tempted to go look. My imagination runs wild, and once it starts I feel I have to look. For that reason we won't open a Facebook account as it is too dangerous.

  10. Anonymous says:

    easy put their name on the header of a facebook group then copy all their stuff on it so every one can see what they are like. Expose those who seek to exploit.

  11. Anonymous says:

    This is a feminist issue. It is about men abusing positions of power over women. This is not Victorian times when cities were full of prostitutes of all ages. Women can and should say NO in a loud and public way. I say again this is ABUSE. You should out these men on Facebook and if they don't like it they can complain and expose themselves. Women deserve better and will only be treated as equal when they confront this sort of thing.

  12. Anonymous says:

    The university will have a policy on this sort of thing.You should see the SU academic officer or the head of department.

  13. Anonymous says:

    What do you think of this: At last my lover has explained that he has a son of nine months. He has a wife and another mistress that I know of who he believes have both trapped him.

    At first I thought he was going to leave them for me-he told me so. He now states that he isn't and that he isn't worthy of my attention.

    This has all come about via Facebook messages as we do not meet very often (he lives away in Scotland and in Plymouth).

    I am doing my best to get over him. But I can't help feeling used and upset. I don't want to lose him. Was this his intention all along? I am sure that his attention was for more than friendship. The sex is great! How can I satisfy him to make him stay?

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