Proper Facebook Etiquette

#253 Encounters

Sunday 18th April, 2010

Dear Mariann,

Hello. I’m an easygoing kind of chap. I work hard as the head of marketing and PR for a well-known company in Central London. I love company and have just secured a new relationship. Over the weekend I noticed that my girlfriend and wife are now Facebook friends. This showed up when I was looking at my girlfriends Profile and read ‘such and such is now friends with ******’  You can imagine my surprise. I am am a confident chap. But find myself perplexed by this turn of events. Why are they friends? How do they know each other? Have I been found out? How does the female mind work? Help!

(From Comingsbry via email and Facebook and…)

Now here’s a man who’s not backward about coming forward. Gosh I bet that you are the sort of chap who lacked mother’s attention when you were a boy and will Friend anyone (regardless of context) on Facebook. I see that I already have received a F.R. (Friend Request) from you. Well you can F.R.O. (as in F* Right Off).

Whilst you’ve managed to make me gag already with your presumptive/arrogant actions, I will, of course, do you the courtesy of replying to your dilemma.  I’m assuming from your perplexed state that Wife does not know about girlfriend and vice-versa. This is not an ‘open’ situation?  Perhaps you could write something on your girlfriend’s Wall. Go wtih, ‘thanks for all the rumpy darling, be seeing you soon xxx’. Then this will show up in your NewsFeed and your wife will be reliably informed as to precisely how you see fit to sow your oats.

Let’s address each of your questions in turn,

‘Why are they friends?’

Probably because you have absolutely nothing on offer. I don’t care how ‘executive’ in PR and marketing you see fit to parade yourself as. We’ve all done PR dah-ling mwah mwah.  You should also know there’s a woman’s conspiracy where we secretly all know each other and will friend and defriend throughout the week just mess with our Status Updates and any man’s mind.

How do they know each other?

You haven’t introduced one to the other? For shame. Perhaps they ‘met’ at a therapy group for the relationship anxious. At the Christmas party? Have joined a group on Facebook that celebrates a particularly sweaty and over-coiffed sort of chap?

Have I been found out?

Do you hear a sharpening of nail/knives in the background? I would sleep with your eyes open if I were you.

How does the female mind work?

You’re in PR. Think of the female mind as representative of that big pitch that you need to win.  You flex and march up and down getting all pumped, twitching and waving for attention.  You offer no romance. No love. You’re inconsequential with nowt added. So don’t worry, in your case, there’s absolutely no need for the female mind to work at all.

12 Responses to “#253 Encounters”

  1. Dr Mariann Hardey says:

    @ D & Max. In the spirit of all that is Web 2.0 and holy that Van comment stays. Van knows not what they say i’m sure. Just because they failed to ‘check in’ with the saracasm, doesn’t mean that their view isn’t valid.

    Re. ‘religious nuts’, I’m touched that they read the blog.

    Hi there y’all.

  2. Max says:

    M, You need to install that ‘sarcasm’ plugin we talked about. Oh and that ‘religious nut’ panic button. Agree with D. (who?) and delete Van’s comment they’ve already annoyed me.

  3. D. says:

    Maz, suggest you take that comment down. It’s not nice. Van is clearly a bit deranged. You OK?

  4. Dr Mariann Hardey says:

    @ Daniel, thanks for that. Duly noted. See you at the pearly gates

    @David (cheers – nice touch) I blame you entirely for the bile! This post was your idea (remember)! That’s the last time I take new ‘themes’ from you! Liking reference to the feminist ‘overlords’ approach though. Touche’ indeed.

  5. David Cheers says:

    Hi M. I think you’re getting bad vibes from the religious nuts again. Love the ‘bile’ comment btw. Maybe re-write the post from a male perspective as you’re too feminist for your own good sometimes. Just a thought!

  6. DanielUSA says:

    God has told me that you will go to hell. You are a sinner.

  7. A.Fan says:

    If you don’t like it don’t read it!

  8. Dr Mariann Hardey says:

    @ Bill, good cop, bad cop?…

  9. Bill says:

    You never fail to amuse doc. Ignore Van you’re too skilled for their attack!
    ps how about a threesome? Just kidding!

  10. Dr Mariann Hardey says:

    @ Van Quite right who do I think I am? Perhaps I should have suggested a three-some?…

  11. van says:

    Ouch.. Nastay!

  12. van says:

    This was the first post i saw on your website when i visited to just check something out – i can’t believe you are a doctor (and of what?). The bile that you spew towards this guy is like watching a hyena rip a lamb apart. Does public humiliation of foolish people enhance your self esteem? Hey don’t worry, this is the first and last comment i’m making on your site. I just pray that you don’t get to ‘practice’ your profession (whatever that is) on real patients and cause damage. One last thing, look up the definition of etiquette and try to apply it yourself before dispensing advice. :) x x

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