Proper Facebook Etiquette

#885 Own goal

Tuesday 7th September, 2010

Dear Mariann,

I’m a bit confused by this Facebook thing. My fans like it and I poke fit women when I get a chance. Thing is my manager says I should not use it. He says it is too complex and I should keep me activities zip up if I don’t want to read about them in the Sun. I don’t care and me mates think it is a right laugh – so why has Coleen defriended me?
From Wayne in reply to post #284 Special Advisor

She *chants* Who are ya?! Who are ya?! to the sounds of vuvuzelas…

Wayne, my it’s a wonder you find the time to read, let alone post to my blog.  Where to start with you? First, for you ‘celebs’, Facebook is a battleground of ego, disdain, condescension and snobbery. Or, to put into A word of one syllable that holds a suitable tone of disapproval: Crust. Crust, as in referring to unabashed self-assertiveness; nerve; gall.  People like you – how contemptuous that YOU made me use a phrase like that *shudders* – should worry about how to behave, whom to bed, how to fold your sheets, what suit to wear, whether converse with a tux is ever so slightly naff (rather than eclectic Time Lord), and what to post to Facebook. A degree of self-reflexivity is required, when making a mistake may just mark you out as someone who has never sat down to dinner with more than three additional knives to their cutlery set, or enjoyed a potato velouté when one turns to the waiting staff, turns on the charm and asks instead for truffled pomme purée. But I am loosing the thread and you want a ‘right laugh’, rather than posh potatoes. 

The above are not the snippets of delight that sell Sunday papers or keep things exciting in the zip department. Wayne, this all comes down to the philosophy of good taste.  Your Coleen has de-friended you because you’re the guy who says a game without scoring off the pitch is like a day without loo roll. So tell me what your latest Status Update is and I’ll tell you who you are.

The truism of your situation – somewhere between your Manager, the public’s eyes and ears and ‘other’ indiscretions – smacks of a vaulting sybaritic elitism.  You seem much more sensitive to the outcomes of pleasure rather than pain.  This is marvelously brilliant for the rest of us. Over Sunday brunch it is you who can be relied upon to make both the front and back pages with you exploits, whilst extending such ball play gaffs into extra time.

Is Facebook ‘too complex?’ Only if you check your Privacy settings. Wayne, you won’t have navigated to the top right hand corner of your Facebook page, so don’t worry about this area.  Perhaps more agreeable and stable status can be extended over time, starting on a small scale. First friend only those people who are close to you. These are those individuals who are: Unlikely to sell a story on you; you haven’t seen naked in bed; are not holding a digital recorder of sorts when commencing conversation; and ideally have strong ethics and beliefs that aren’t just picked up or left aside as you want.

Start a revolution Wayne! Do keep Coleen as a ‘friend’ – if only for the magazine/s deal – you are better left with at least one bird who won’t spoil the broth after all. Months later you can both turn up (again) in Hello! together and smile approvingly toward the camera while waxing lyrical about your ‘one true lurrrrve’, whilst the rest of us gag on our oeufs en meurette and wonder when we will have to endure your next poke off the pitch. Mind you, this also tells you a lot about the kind of people who read the Sundays and want to be your friend on Facebook…

One Response to “#885 Own goal”

  1. Coleen says:

    My Wayne’s asking for forgiveness. I just don’t think he’s done the maths. Even to get me back I think that two, no three, no four girls he’s cheated with is too much. The thing is who’s going to poke me on Facebook now?

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