Proper Facebook Etiquette

#899 A friend in the Bush is worth two in the…

Tuesday 30th November, 2010

Dear Mariann,

I’ve just reached the 600,000 friend mark and I’ve got a new book to sell. I didn’t believe in Facebook before, but now I’ve got three full-time lacky’s to update my status and make sure I’m seen poking the right people. Is there a way to continue to smother emotion whilst remaining ludicrous and repetitive? Ludicrous and repetitive. Repetitive and ludicrous.

From a Mr G.W.Bush via one of his lacky’s. Of course.

I say, aren’t you that chap who was on Facebook Live? You know the interview with Mark Zuckerberg that was as revealing as it was a marketing choreography. It’s a good job that you avoided all those leadership cliche’s and platitudes, you know the type,

“your hand is forced,”. “You gotta make a call.” “… always stick by your principles and push through.”

If you’ve a book to sell, its likely that you could benefit from a heritage performance. If the Queen was your friend on Facebook I’m sure she’d recommend something like trooping out the colour.  In your case, and being that the atmosphere is always rather bland, maybe a little something extra like doing your own body piercings, or pancake tossing, or pancake tossing whilst body piercing?

G.W., I’ve been on your Facebook page and I suppose it’s as civilised, as it is sonorous and obnoxious. I can’t help but think that you’re offering a low brow performance for high cost requests. My Decision Point is not to spend £25 thank you very much. I must admire your brilliant torpor, however, it’s quite contagious isn’t it, and such lifelessness shouldn’t go unnoticed.

Why are you so wedded to Facebook? Are you friends with another politico friend Barack? He has just shy of 17million friends. Not that you’re counting I’m sure. I would delve deeper and head up your dilemma, but you appear in only beige tones and despite foreign policy, oil farms, regime change and treasure hunts for WMDs, I remain rather muted and refuse to tiptoe around with a false politeness.

For you Facebook is ‘marketing’, but G.W. you appear as a pantomime villain, to be booed not friended.  There will be no surges to 17million friends, but you may sell more copies of your book.

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