Proper Facebook Etiquette

#902 we’ve got mice

Thursday 9th December, 2010

Dear Mariann,

I’ve been using Facebook to spy on the neighbour’s.  Whilst it’s been cold outside I’ve been indoors checking on on what my neighbour’s are up to throughout the day. I can do this because I work from home and did I mention it’s cold outside. Anyway, I’ve started to notice that it’s not just me who’s spying on the neighbour’s, but we’ve got mice too. Is it the proper etiquette to inform on the mice via Facebook? I was thinking of starting a Neighbourhood Group Page that would keep track of how many mice and where. I can no longer suffer on my own!

From S.McGuire via a strange conversation across the check outs at my local Waitrose.

Mouse traps and cheese resolved a similar situation when I used to reside in some suburban slum.  Not the kind that are set to kill I hasten to add, the traps if you get my meaning, rather than the cheese. A mouse on the outside is a charming furry friend to share your Cathedral City with. A mouse the otherside of the door is like Katie Price in a lift. Unwelcome and surprisingly gauche.

Now that you have the equivalent of Katie Price taking cheese out of your fridge, you are going to want to dissuade Ms Price bringing back her mice friends and nasty little extensions.

Mice and neighbours. You can spy on both. You can probably charm both, in equal parts, with cheese. On the outside you’re wearing a friendly face, on the inside you want to nuke the little mice-ships. Like cheese, pest control can be applied to both mice and neighbours. You mentioned in our long/er conversation that one neighbour in particular is too fat and too smelly to invite round and so mediated contact via Facebook is preferred.

Once in a neighbourhood’s history an invention comes to light that is so blindly brilliant it changes how we live and what we do. Cheese was one such invention. In more recent times, Facebook could be the other, promising a happy and friendly-led place. Neighbourhood Group Page is pure genius.  You invite your neighbour’s to join and lay down the anti-cheese law, and when next you bump into each other (following the big thaw) you have something to converse about that isn’t the weather. Of course, you may get some retribution if your neighbour’s are particularly mice enchanted or cheese partial.  Then you can just write on their Facebook Wall’s and rub the equivalent of mice excrement in their face. Best poke them via a Facebook mediated action, rather than an actual real life thrust to the guts. Sometimes it’s useful having a Facebook block option.

And so you are left with a dilemma: on the one hand dealing with mice infestation, which means confronting and involving the other neighbour’s and on the other it’s too bl**dy cold to leave the house or even think about putting together any normal semblance of human interaction. We’re British we don’t like to talk to each other, rather nod, and walk huffily past one another, or give a cheerily false *wave* every time our paths cross.

What might be considered ‘weird’ is talking to your neighbour’s in the first instance.  A Neighbourhood Group Page would replace any requirement to actually leave the house or to converse with anyone else. Whilst you’re at it, you could also online order some more cheese for the pantry. I hear that the mice have been monitoring your Facebook activity and would welcome some ch-ch-ch-cheddar.

4 Responses to “#902 we’ve got mice”

  1. Janie says:

    Bit of a problem. At Uni and home I use Facebook a lot. So I’ve got into a situation where I said I’d see my BF at home on Christmas day – as the families know each other. He said he will post photos so everyone can see then and tag me. But I have this guy at Uni as an item and I know he will look on Facebook. I don’t want one to find out about the other. What can I do to stop the home boy tagging me?

  2. Charlie says:

    Dear Mariann,
    My woman gets poked on Facebook and I put up with that. But I’ve found out she got poked by something when we was off to the theatre the other night. Is it correct etiquette to let on I know or should I get one of me men to have a word?

  3. Hi Bade says:

    Been putting out about me dancing on me status for the benefit of the babes. Me main mates been hitting on me update as not cool. Should I ignore em or give up on me dance moves?
    Big H

  4. Charlie says:

    Dear Mariann,
    One was off to the theatre in one’s motor when we was set upon by an unruly mob. I got my man to say I’d unfriend them all. That did the trick and I think they went off to TopShop. Must have been a sale of some sort of thing what they don’t have down Bond Street. Should I update me profile with ‘had a chat with some oiks’?

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