Proper Facebook Etiquette

#944 Single me

Wednesday 30th March, 2011

Dear Mariann,

I keep two profiles on Facebook. One is for the family and the other just for me. I think of one as the single me – that has fun when away from the family and the wife. I travel for work and so get to meet girls who like a older guy and we sometimes hook up – if they are a bit fit and game. Makes a nice change and they get to enjoy some time with me. My son’s friend was messing about on Facebook and they thought they would look for the family name (not that common). So they find single me and I get a friend request. Need an excuse to get out of this.

From No Name (no sh*t Sherlock) in reply to post #342 What happened last night.

The Son, he doesn’t want to be your friend really (no sh*t). He has devised a less than cunning scheme to catch you out. Such is the over-indulgence and extreme preoccupation with your own feelings, desires, etc. that you’ve slipped into a solipsistically and egoistic self-absorption. A single you on Facebook. This isn’t ‘brilliance’, this is trouble in the making. Had you not thought that the ‘single’ you might want a different namesake in terms of association and disguise. Even the worst of the worst adulterer knows that trick. Then again we can’t all aspire to be Charlie Sheen.

Also, reflect on this, Facebook in it’s Terms and Conditions absolutely forbids dual accounts of this type. Just so you know.

It is unlikely that Son is concerned to ‘warn’ you about any of the above. It is also unlikely that he is doing a History of the Family tree project and is thrilled to have stumbled across a hitherto unknown association with his roots. Get traction on your single self and stop being such an arse.

As you gain some perspective on your rather selfish real/ity you will notice that what you were once able to do – ie. be the single man about town – has become more difficult where your faculties have gained an extra stupid dimension. This happens after children and is perfectly normal. In the main, once you’ve decided to adopt the lifestyle of a married misanthropic juvinile you should caution against the overlap of any of these dimensions from your Facebook world into your real life. You should feel obliged to respond to Son. But in order to protect your ‘clever’ dual identity you should NOT accept under any circumstances his request. Less you want to risk the quality of his familial experience which will decline quite sharply with any such connection.

One ploy is to feign innocence. This should be easy for you as we’ve already established that you are a lying rat bag. Start with, ‘oh I have that other Facebook account for work‘. Tell Son that he is ‘friends’ with the real you and the exclusive fatherly led you. OR tell on a ‘friend’ at work who set up said account as a joke/command from the Boss/something else.

To perfect the above you need to practice the perfect lie. This should be done face-to-face, though be prepared for experiencing some very slippery conversation. Son is smart he will catch you out. Then he will de/unfriend you on Facebook. Serves you right.

You’re lucky to have him. Get to grips with the real world and stick to it. Single you is slow, stupid and lacks experience. And that’s just your Facebook account, let alone your…

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