Proper Facebook Etiquette

#1984 Facebookclamptitous

Friday 24th June, 2011

Dear Mariann
Facebook distracts me. Spending about three hours a day on it – work and home – is this too much? I just revisit people and things – got to make sure has changed. Feel have to be there or miss out. Always happens when I’m offline.

From do you have enquiry page? in reply to post #982 expedition to Vegas.

As a ‘doctor’ I am well versed to be able to prescribe you a suitable cause of action for the above. Although other charlatans are available.What you describe is a bad case of Facebookclamptitous. This is when you clamp on to what your friends are doing and define your daily activity around what might have happened; what you’re reading has happened; and a future projection of what you think will happen, if you weren’t too busy feeling anxious and tired about the happenings that have happened at precisely the same moment that you missed what just happened.

Its a very serious and complex condition. You will find yourself huffing and puffing, throwing your hands into the air and competitively updating your profile every 10-seconds.

Cure is only for a few patients. Most don’t really want to be cured. I could prescribe complete bed rest. However, you are likely to find yourself in front of the screen even more often and the conditions of your Facebookcramptitous will get worse. As in, severe seizures, and a gentle rocking too and fro if your super high-speed broadband fails to connect (Yes, BT I mean you – *shakes fist in the air!)

If you can’t log out, you might be better off finding something else to play with. Facebookcramptitous can be immediately eased by friending truly boring people, then your Newsfeed becomes disproportionately tiresome over night.  You’ll awake, cast a weary glance at any updates and decide that you can survive the day without being informed of a check-in to Nando’s or tagged photos of a pony trek.

Then again ponies are cute. And I’d be likely to comment and gently mock any friend checking into Nando’s. Cold sweat starts to send shivers up and down… MUST check my Facebook feed, byeeee.

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