Proper Facebook Etiquette

#2056 Serious Facebook addict

Monday 8th April, 2013

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Serious Addiction

Pity Hannah Button, 25 years, 1st class degree in linguistics, a web designer no less, earning (after tax) £25,000 per annum. Hannah is someone who always put the comfort and others before his own… someone of overwhelming thoughtfulness and consideration… someone who knows your birthday before you do… who has promised to stop tagging unflattering pictures of you and her together, whilst your boyfriend is considering his ‘relationship status’ with you… 

Hannah (like you) is a Facebook addict.   News this week of that chap from Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg (is not your friend), whose obsessive social networking habit has inspired a movie, self-help, the news *Yawn*, high-school reunions, marriages, divorces, affairs as well as a host of other peripheral crap in our NewsFeeds, gives us the Facebook Phone! Put crudely a device whose default is your social networks. Your data. Your activities. Your Friends. Your other Friends. Your…

Happily for Hannah and us there also exist a few quieter corners where she and others like her may mingle away from Facebook. In the old days we called this The Pub.

At the Any Bar, however, Hannah and you will join the throng of proud social networker’s each bearing the ancient (nearly ten-year) badges of their habit… The TimeLine record of school, college and university dates… the red-faced blazes of Afterburn on the cheeks from embarrassed 0400am messages, the quince coloured stains on the keyboard and smart-device, the Friend Requests, the finely tuned Profile picture poses…

Here you and Hannah feel quite the innocent ingénue…. A mere 20-hour-a-day kind a gal, with far to go.

As a case and following Zuckerberg’s plans, Hannah and you will suffer all the side-effects of serious Facebook addiction:

  • Anxiety caused by constantly playing reciprocal message keepy-uppy, drunk Pokes, Friend Requests, Wall posts onto the Profile of ‘someone you ‘fancy’’ and other duff approach shots;
  • Nervous tension caused by pretending you have 5, 000 ‘close’ friends, when it is really 12, or 2;
  • Stress caused by playing the field, where her fantasies of a reunion with that popular guy from college is always crudely and rudely shattered;
  • Violent mood swings, when the ‘high’ of a decent-ish Profile shot is occluded by a tagged drunkard charade;
  • Self-disgust and the urgent need to re-live the humiliations of every weekend out before the glazed and disinterested eyes of Friends;
  • The need to slope off from every meeting to ‘check in’ with Facebook;
  • Reckless expenditure on ‘even better’ Facebook stuff. Heard of the Facebook Phone anyone?

This woman is sick. She needs serious Professional help.

She should read this blog.

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