Fudge you Facebook ads! No I do not want an internet date. Yes I am happy without a Russian bride. YOU GET MY SHOUT mother truckers! And now you want Me to tell You if I’ve ‘rekindled a romance’ on Facebook. What is this?!!!! Is my personal Profile Page not enough. Do you not already make enough $s from my Status Updates. Hardey, is Facebook going to tell me when to get hitched or can I just carry on using it as a hump club?…

From S. Hagua (without a marriage proposal. Such relief).

Oh such hump hurdles. Mister Hagua, you show an unorthodox approach to romance don’t you? I am perplexed as to why you are complaining; on the one hand you present that you’re against Russian bridal promotions, but on the other you do welcome humping your way through your friend list.

You should be grateful that Facebook is so ‘tactful’ with your Profile, when they could easily issue an intelligence test after log-in to establish your bona fides. Yes, Facebook will notify you when there is a suitable ‘bride’ on the stocks. She will be ‘well connected’, but ‘well dense’ to compliment your lack of perspicaciousness. per·spi·ca·cious (pûr sp -k sh s). I suggest you Google that.

What follows are the dilemmas and the two award wining replies from readers Janet and Mecnken

So once again, I hand over to  you, the folk who read this blog (all 1,300 last week) and to all those other people who not only read, but take the time to post comments and write in. I appreciate your zeal and energy, and I truly do say thank you again and again. Mostly as you do amuse.

Finally, to you Rev Harwood, “blessings” indeed, but I wouldn’t.

Dilemma One | From Him:

I was recently introduced to an attractive woman. She seems the up for it type and when I met her was ‘single’ on her Facebook page. I’m not being sexist but a guy can expect his girlfriend to be around him and do things for him like – a bit of car cleaning would be nice.  Is this too much to ask? My take is that she has delusions of grandeur, and self-promoted ‘celebrity’. I don’t really know where she is coming from and I have removed my relationship status from Facebook. Is this right?

He – get a life looser or no it is not 1940 or grow up. I’ve know men like this and what they had is over mothering and no siblings – so expect girlfriends to treat them as mother’s little daring. Join MySpace

Love from Janet.

Dilemma Two | From Her:

I have delusions of grandeur and think my boyfriend is holding me back. I happened to see that the boyfriend has recently removed his relationship status from Facebook. I suspect this is a half-arsed attempt to split up with me without having to have ‘that conversation’. I’d rather not let him wimp out of such discussions. However, could it also be the case that unfriend will delete a drooping and unresponsive limber from my timeline?

The challenge for you is to read the aforementioned ‘woes’ (now you know what is typical of my in-tray) and to compose a suitable reply to either one or other, or to both. This is not a case of identifying the whom is wrong, or perhaps right; but to provide a succinct and articulate repose in the manner to which each party might deserve. As a juicy reward, the winning post/s will be published on this site and, should their authors want, reporters from the Daily Mail may well be calling you for a quick ‘expose’ hit on the latest state of play with Facebook*.

From Him:

I was recently introduced to an attractive woman. She seems the up for it type and when I met her was ‘single’ on her Facebook page. I’m not being sexist but a guy can expect his girlfriend to be around him and do things for him like – a bit of car cleaning would be nice.  Is this too much to ask? My take is that she has delusions of grandeur, and self-promoted ‘celebrity’. I don’t really know where she is coming from and I have removed my relationship status from Facebook. Is this right?

From Her:

I have delusions of grandeur and think my boyfriend is holding me back. I happened to see that the boyfriend has recently removed his relationship status from Facebook. I suspect this is a half-arsed attempt to split up with me without having to have ‘that conversation’. I’d rather not let him wimp out of such discussions. However, could it also be the case that unfriend will delete a drooping and unresponsive limber from my timeline?

Answers in the comments please. The winning reply will be published Sunday 5th February and contribute to various Facebook discussions at several forthcoming events…

* Please note that any journalistic perks are not guaranteed and that when you enter this ‘competition’ you are agreeing to your words being published on this site for all sundry to comment on. No personal details will be given out.

Your site and accolade came recommended via research from friends of friends who said that I should ‘encounter’ you. I wonder if you throw some illumination on whether we should be cautious of how we field invitations on Facebook, and in doing so how quickly you can win someones confidence?…

From Professor Chappell, via the most courteous email and introductory ‘poke’ I’ve ever received.

Professor Chappell, I know of your research and likewise you have also ‘come to my attention’.  I expect your Friend Request is as imminent as your charm. I look forward, in the near future, to receiving both.

What you allude to is certainly a complex situation vis-à-vis the confidence of friends of friends. I had only yesterday a call from a journalist keen to finish ‘their story’ which ‘proved’ Facebook is the number one cause of marital (and as was implied ‘extra’ marital) upset. I refute such tenuous games and complaints of ritualised nonacceptance; to the score of, I’ve Poked her, she has Poked him blah blah blah. Incidentally, I’ve never been married but (and should such a venture ever become treated as a ‘Status Update’), then I intend to be very married. To this end, then yes we should treat with degrees of caution ‘invitations’ (in your longer email you do state that these tend to be on the more flirtatious side) favoured by either a tender lady, or resilient gentleman.

How dull then that I am neither said tendered lady nor a gentleman of resilience.  I fear that I am tripping over the language of your ‘dilemma’ where it is that you inquire as to how ‘quickly‘ you may win someone’s confidence. If the ‘end game’ is for the intention to begin the brightest chapter of your life, then a good degree of upfront honesty is a refreshing, if not absolutely charming (read necessary), way forward. A good (learned-ed, as in academic and smart) friend of mine has honesty as part of his continuous repertoire. This makes him both devilishly charming, resiliently self-contained and utterly protected against any attempts to take cr*p from those who may betray his trust.

Good for him. Especially as his highest protocol for refined behaviour makes the rest of us look bad.

I suppose that such confidences are like the most ‘artful sandwich’ (favoured by moi is the french roll; fresh parsley, egg mayonnaise, watercress and a dash of cracked pepper and sea salt), by which I mean perfectly formed as a small ritual and mixing of the most perfect of ingredients. So if you are to be encountering those who are less than artful, why would you want to even try to win their confidence in the first place.

Professor, there’s a lot of faffing about on Facebook. Not made any easier by it’s recent MySpace clone-like Profile Page update. For now we as her user’s can take this in our stride, perhaps even laugh and joke about the strange phenomenon of advertising content that appears as if tagged from ‘friends’ and friends of friends.

Because Facebook acts as a public inquiry of ‘what is going on’ (and adds a nice divergence to you day) it is difficult not to advocate any degree of caution. I mean, why not live the heady rush of life in the fast lane, wind in your hair and through some spontaneity into the mix. Otherwise it all spells out as a grim play of cat on mouse.

Here’s a strange occurrence for you, before Xmas a new chap had just started at my place of work. He seems affable enough but like many people these days seems more interested in playing with his device than any real conversation. Is there a way in the New Year to force him to engage with some proper standards of engagement, or am I better off writing on his Wall?

From Ms Unheard via a Poke and direct message.

Oh, yes I fully endorse your attempts to assert your authority and lay some control over someone elses life. Maybe.

It is likely that prior to Xmas your ‘affable chap’ had signed up to the new Facebook Timeline. His ‘interest in playing with his device’ (*smirks*) smacks of some, errrr, inappropriately-led obsession and his flummoxed attempts to get to grips with Facebook’s latest furniture moving activities. Have you tried the new look Facebook yourself? once you do, let alone writing on his Wall, I could not possibly recommend any poking activity as these will be hard to find. They used to sit neatly on your Home Page, now they have disappeared into the ether [to re-discover these, go to your Home Page, select apps, and scroll down. You might want to 'add' pokes to your 'favourites' which means they now be easy to find from your Home Page once again - faff, faff, faff]

I am assured by my ‘reliable’ and in-house Facebook sources that the hiding of the Poke and the public launch of the Timeline on 23rd December is to reflect changes to Privacy Settings (again) and to ‘inline’ settings. I cannot be bothered to outline all these changes in one post, but Emil Protalinski  in his August post about Simplified Sharing at zdnet can.

Where were we, oh yes the minimum requirements to gain the attention of friends and colleagues who prioritise playing rather than conversation.Perhaps your friend is simply an extension of Facebookyists – these are those individuals who do not have ‘real’ friends these days, but a catalogue of vague acquaintances who they may have once met – a meeting which Facebook helpfully displays in the new Timeline with the additional tags of ‘school’, ‘college’, ‘university’ – they have yet to have a tag for ‘pub’, perhaps because as this is all based on time, the ingredients for such vague meetings are most likely to be forgotten. Anyway, the latest shake down reflects how the term ‘friend’ is becoming a looser these days. Equally what you say you ‘do’ on Facebook is less an extension of self (who you are and what you say you are doing); and more a cataloguing by Facebook of your activities in order to sell this onto numerous commercial companies. This should not come as any surprise to you, it’s been a commercial circus since the ‘Great Day of Openness’ on 26th September 2006, when ANYONE who ‘agreed’ with the sites terms and conditions that they were over 13 years young and had a valid email address could sign up.

…Since that fateful day things have never been the same again.

Now as a result of Mark Zuckerberg’s  lifetime (so far) of collecting, cataloguing and obsessing over your friends -which would have been dismissed as a pointless ‘hobby’ or just a bit ‘creepy’ before there was Facebook, the motive of Zuckerberg’s obsession have also become our own. In short, how we immediately rate or slate our ‘friends’, or to answer Zuckerberg’s original question when Facebook was just a college network - who is ‘hot’, vs who is not?

Is Facebook a network for friends? (and then by extension a ‘subtle’ way to rate how ‘hot’ your friends really are) or a commercial obsession? and so as a means for pushing advertising and networked-SPAM to your Profile. The answer is clearly both, but the line is not easily drawn. Perhaps the best way to judge your new friend at work, and for us to judge one another is to ask yourself whether you’d both feel comfortable not only being ‘friends’, but now knowing in precise detail what, when, where, why and how you met (then fell out) as the minutiae of your activities are bundled up and sold on – if only to sell one or both of you Russian Bride services or singles holidays.

I arrived and sat down for a weekly evening out involving food, drink and silly behaviour. My university tutor from Xxxxxx University was at the next table and talking loudly with a young man who was not her husband. When they got up to leave, she glanced in my direction and (I am certain) recognised me as she leaned over and kissed the man passionately on the lips – in front of everybody in the restaurant! I was not going to mention anything about her behaviour, until last night when she Friend Requested me on Facebook. Do I accept? Is this a challenge? Is she calling my bluff?… Help! 

From PostgraduateMush via a considerably longer and rather explicit email [not for this blog]

Mush, it is Sunday. I am meeting some very good friends of mine (and others) for high tea. After reading your email I will be sure to scant about the place before I launch myself at one of the party for a passionate embrace. Your dilemma has already then had an affect. Although the woman in your scenario cannot be I as 1. when last I looked at my left hand I am not married and 2. I like to think my dining out is suitably hidden that there is not the risk of a tutor/student indiscretion. Equally you will never get a Friend Request from I, how crass.

You have three courses of action; each of these increasingly amplify what could be a salacious situation. So let us begin: First you ignore the Friend Request and resort to a conventional student-to-tutor conduct, in case you forgot this means turning up late for tutorials, forgetting when/where your weekly lecture is and handing in your work late with a flood of alluring and equally fantastical excuses. Second, you could send your tutor a private message (without accepting her Friend Request) to ‘test the water’ and explain that you ‘do not use Facebook’ and that you ‘hope she had a nice night out the other night’. This establishes that you know that she knows, but she knows that you don’t really know. Third, you accept her Friend Request and have a good snoop around her Profile Page. Does she have fellow students as ‘friends’? what is her relationship status? can you see her holiday snaps?

…Is this all some fantastical fantasy on your behalf? Mush, I think perhaps it is. Savour the impossibility of this moment – of the very idea that Professor X w/could pursue students nearest to her, without batting an eyelid for a passionate embrace. If she really wanted to make you all flustered she’d simply fail all your essays and recommend one-on-one tutorials.

Don’t hold your breath.

Over a drink the other night my friend revealed that he has a ‘friend tidy’ on a regular basis to maintain his networks and not appear ‘unsightly’.  I take a different approach and friend as many people as I can – whether I know them or not. I wonder who has the right approach and is my friend correct to offer more ‘exclusive relations’?

From Mr Wrinkle via a Friend Request on a Friday night – quel surprise.

Mr Winkle – this is surprisingly your real name – thank you for your Friend Request. I feel neither special nor can I reject such advances or risk the wrath of your many thousands of friends. It does appear that you ‘own’ Facebook; to your credit I’ve only ever seen such friend farming since the invitation from Her Royal Maj to join her fan page. By the by Royalty has officially been on Facebook for a year now she had ‘fans rushing‘ to join her, so it’s good to know that a bit of Queeny action still gains interest – if only to say ‘hi-ho The British Monarchy’.  She has a YouTube channel and Twitter feed too doncha know.

Sorry Mr Winkle I got carried away there in the excitement of your advances.  Back to your mute point in hand; I propose that you are both right.  His more ‘exclusive’ services as you describe them appear honourable on the surface and yet I’m distracted by the slightly seedy undertone. Your own more generous efforts provide a very acceptable approach from which Mark Zuckerberg can make a lot of money from.  Well done you, you are your own social network promoter. Have you considered doing this kind of thing for a living?…

Perhaps you need only to reinvigorate your efforts to Friending that may become much more exciting (and even less selective) through the use of ‘Friend Development Services’. You could offer a (non) exclusive coupon:

FREE COUPON FOR FRIENDS OF MR WRINKLE

Assurance of FRIEND DEVELOPMENT, RESTED NERVES, and PERFECT HEALTH.

This coupon is good if used within ten days from the date of this Friend Request…

special arrangements for readers of this blog to obtain full information for free.

From Siri in reply to post #1011 old damp fur coat

Really? I find this strangely exhilarating.  I’m confused by your friends reaction. Surely you’ve managed to transgress all forms supposed decency to say be able to say you mean. And if, as you suggest, you (via some pose-y new technology) were just speaking your mind then they should appreciate your guidance. Surely.

I wouldn’t worry to much about ‘lost friends’ and if your err, ‘things that were said’, were so obtuse perhaps you had better worry about the ones who did not take the opportunity to break all ties. I hardly think that using technology as drunk and a little disorderly is an indication for friends to get lost, but I suppose this depends on how crass you were along the way.

If you don’t believe me just admire the Quayside mile Tyne Side on a Saturday night. There’s all kinds of self-administered drunkard skirmishes there and most end up spending the night together, so less a catalyst for lost friends, more like lost underwear.