Ever since Facebook took over Instagram there’s been a case of boobgate all over my friend Mrs Darling’s pages.  She certainly has a splendid rack, but I worry she’ll get bored of posing and I’ll be left with only work to do. How can I encourage her latest endevours and should I add her to my Close Friends Newsfeed?…

From Dr Dack, via a rather nifty Scrabble Game app request.

Pause. Now, imagine a social network of just breasts. Nothing more.

Yes this is a tricky departure for it is not as if the interweb is flooded with such images…

Does Mrs Darling have a face too, or does the sweat just drip off your brow with the publication of her rack?… Sorry, I should not tease, lest we forget that Facebook was ‘founded’ (as with the rest of the interweb) on the rating of ‘Friends’ who were ‘Hot’ or ‘Not’.

Modesty not being one of yours nor Mrs Darlings sensibilities, I know something that you would like that may even broaden both your horizons. I wonder, if you know of Boobstagram ? The brain child of two French men (of course)! it publishes only images of boobs – in the most tasteful manner of course. That grown-up and classy way that the French can get away with.

This may take you away from Mrs Darling and it will also safeguard against the potential disappearance of her cleavage from your Timeline. For what are boobs, if not to be shared amongst friends.

There will not.

What there shall be is some creative redesign.

In short, I like words; yours and mine.  Come the end of June 2012, you will be treated to a new site, that will be over-brimming with big buttery words and straitlaced natch.  I like to get the crunchy brittle between my teeth to grapple and jostle with whatever Facebook and the rest of the digital landscape will bring…

So from little posts in 2005 to now pfbe will continue to be for you dear reader…

This will probably be my final post here. For those of you who read and know and love this blog, you will also know that I am always with and share a very special bond with my father Michael Hardey.  On Tuesday 27th March, 2012 at 06.25am dad very suddenly died.

All my words, all my writing and everything that I am started with him.  In fact he was the reason properfacebooketiquette was composed and fine-tuned over the years.  And it was with some cheeky dad promotion on his part that the blog also had appearances on BBC5Live, Radio4 and I was invited as a ‘proper author’ to the Edinburgh Book Festival.

I will miss him.

Why do people log in to Facebook at 03:00am?

Thanks from Stockton.

When they first log in it’s likely they do their upper most to be friendly and easy-going.  Usually they’re in a buzzy if not semi-sober stupor. ‘What if my ex is happy in love with someone else?’ they can’t help thinking. Obviously this is why anyone logs in at 03:00am.  For the first few moments it is likely they’ll amuse themselves with other things before clicking on the ‘forbidden’ Newsfeed. Sometimes they’ll post onto their Wall. Mostly they’re thinking about how to interact ‘causally’ without giving too much away.

Often, they will flatter me, telling everyone they ‘love them’. You’d think there would be a degree of cynicism with such actions, but generally there is not. Everyone wants to be loved after all.

Finally, after logging out, it’s not as bad as you’d think.Rarely does something get shared that can’t be taken as humour or deliberately hidden.

I knew a gentleman who deleted his entire Profile (and thus all accompanying content) just because he had poked his ex.

Sometimes the we are just lonely. Recently, I was sent a Friend Request with the attached message to ‘be friends’ so he could tell me he loved me. Creepy (a little), but harmless.

By day I’m a academic in the Russel Group. I find it interesting to observe how colleagues and students choose to set up their social interactions. It’s quite interesting having another side of our lives we can literally switch on or off (to a certain extent).

I’ve been writing this blog for seven years (yep since 2005). I used to think Facebook was full of really exciting and confident people, but then all everyone is supposedly having ‘the best time’ all the time. Now I know you never can tell.

I know what this must sound like, but I swear that it is true. I have three boyfriends who are all my friends on Facebook. With some careful crafting they are kept separate as they live in different cities (I travel a lot for work) and I update my Privacy Settings regular – mostly thanks to your blog. I have received two relationship requests asking to state that I am ‘in a relationship’.   Previously I have just removed my relationship status from my page, but now boyfriends one and two are getting suspicious. In the spirit of Valentines, what do you recommend and have you ever experienced a similar round of problems?…

From Ilasia Factor via Facebook Page – much apprciated.

You are certainly enjoying experiencing the local wildlife aren’t you? There are occasions when the academic in me wants to speculate as to how many in the population view social networks as an excuse to extend not only their social circles, but their social (err) ‘circling’ – as in how many one chooses to circulate. But such Cupid perversions aside, what is the point of any update to your Relationship Status?… I am trying to recall if there was ever a time when the invitation from a potential beau was on the side of sweet, rather than the side of smug.  I can just about bring to mind those idealistic days when any offers of ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’ status were beautifully composed and passionately felt. Never were these intended to come via a quick Poke and impersonal Like on a social network site.

As boyfriends one and two have such unoriginal tendencies, you might consider how you could cleverly word for yourself a message that states neither have met ‘certain expectations’ and that they are yet to pass the necessary ‘dating probation’ factors to allow for any change in relationship status.  You can then build for yourself a defense for being ‘such a lousy girlfriend’, a case founded on the fact that you would rather poke gerkins in your eyes than accept any invitation to broadcast to everyone a change in status.

Should you want to placate boyf’s one and two, may I suggest a parcel with the correct address and hand-written envelope on. Then some other ‘favours’. That is IF you want to hang on to them. Otherwise get them used to the idea of ‘relationship rationing’.  Perhaps this is endemic of a generation that can’t keep anything to itself? Careful, as I suspect that whilst boyf number three may be remaining ‘quiet’ for now, he might come out of the woodwork with a ‘surprise’ proposal. Most likely live broadcast on YouTube and your reply streamed via Twitter with its own trending hashtag #mygirlfriendsaidYES!

Pre-empt boyfriend number three; send to him a self-stamped addressed envelope and promise he can have his own hashtag once he has learned to amuse your suitably in the sack. Otherwise he has to fill your envelope with all your ‘stuff’ and return to sender immediately.

Fudge you Facebook ads! No I do not want an internet date. Yes I am happy without a Russian bride. YOU GET MY SHOUT mother truckers! And now you want Me to tell You if I’ve ‘rekindled a romance’ on Facebook. What is this?!!!! Is my personal Profile Page not enough. Do you not already make enough $s from my Status Updates. Hardey, is Facebook going to tell me when to get hitched or can I just carry on using it as a hump club?…

From S. Hagua (without a marriage proposal. Such relief).

Oh such hump hurdles. Mister Hagua, you show an unorthodox approach to romance don’t you? I am perplexed as to why you are complaining; on the one hand you present that you’re against Russian bridal promotions, but on the other you do welcome humping your way through your friend list.

You should be grateful that Facebook is so ‘tactful’ with your Profile, when they could easily issue an intelligence test after log-in to establish your bona fides. Yes, Facebook will notify you when there is a suitable ‘bride’ on the stocks. She will be ‘well connected’, but ‘well dense’ to compliment your lack of perspicaciousness. per·spi·ca·cious (pûr sp -k sh s). I suggest you Google that.

What follows are the dilemmas and the two award wining replies from readers Janet and Mecnken

So once again, I hand over to  you, the folk who read this blog (all 1,300 last week) and to all those other people who not only read, but take the time to post comments and write in. I appreciate your zeal and energy, and I truly do say thank you again and again. Mostly as you do amuse.

Finally, to you Rev Harwood, “blessings” indeed, but I wouldn’t.

Dilemma One | From Him:

I was recently introduced to an attractive woman. She seems the up for it type and when I met her was ‘single’ on her Facebook page. I’m not being sexist but a guy can expect his girlfriend to be around him and do things for him like – a bit of car cleaning would be nice.  Is this too much to ask? My take is that she has delusions of grandeur, and self-promoted ‘celebrity’. I don’t really know where she is coming from and I have removed my relationship status from Facebook. Is this right?

He – get a life looser or no it is not 1940 or grow up. I’ve know men like this and what they had is over mothering and no siblings – so expect girlfriends to treat them as mother’s little daring. Join MySpace

Love from Janet.

Dilemma Two | From Her:

I have delusions of grandeur and think my boyfriend is holding me back. I happened to see that the boyfriend has recently removed his relationship status from Facebook. I suspect this is a half-arsed attempt to split up with me without having to have ‘that conversation’. I’d rather not let him wimp out of such discussions. However, could it also be the case that unfriend will delete a drooping and unresponsive limber from my timeline?

The challenge for you is to read the aforementioned ‘woes’ (now you know what is typical of my in-tray) and to compose a suitable reply to either one or other, or to both. This is not a case of identifying the whom is wrong, or perhaps right; but to provide a succinct and articulate repose in the manner to which each party might deserve. As a juicy reward, the winning post/s will be published on this site and, should their authors want, reporters from the Daily Mail may well be calling you for a quick ‘expose’ hit on the latest state of play with Facebook*.

From Him:

I was recently introduced to an attractive woman. She seems the up for it type and when I met her was ‘single’ on her Facebook page. I’m not being sexist but a guy can expect his girlfriend to be around him and do things for him like – a bit of car cleaning would be nice.  Is this too much to ask? My take is that she has delusions of grandeur, and self-promoted ‘celebrity’. I don’t really know where she is coming from and I have removed my relationship status from Facebook. Is this right?

From Her:

I have delusions of grandeur and think my boyfriend is holding me back. I happened to see that the boyfriend has recently removed his relationship status from Facebook. I suspect this is a half-arsed attempt to split up with me without having to have ‘that conversation’. I’d rather not let him wimp out of such discussions. However, could it also be the case that unfriend will delete a drooping and unresponsive limber from my timeline?

Answers in the comments please. The winning reply will be published Sunday 5th February and contribute to various Facebook discussions at several forthcoming events…

* Please note that any journalistic perks are not guaranteed and that when you enter this ‘competition’ you are agreeing to your words being published on this site for all sundry to comment on. No personal details will be given out.

Your site and accolade came recommended via research from friends of friends who said that I should ‘encounter’ you. I wonder if you throw some illumination on whether we should be cautious of how we field invitations on Facebook, and in doing so how quickly you can win someones confidence?…

From Professor Chappell, via the most courteous email and introductory ‘poke’ I’ve ever received.

Professor Chappell, I know of your research and likewise you have also ‘come to my attention’.  I expect your Friend Request is as imminent as your charm. I look forward, in the near future, to receiving both.

What you allude to is certainly a complex situation vis-à-vis the confidence of friends of friends. I had only yesterday a call from a journalist keen to finish ‘their story’ which ‘proved’ Facebook is the number one cause of marital (and as was implied ‘extra’ marital) upset. I refute such tenuous games and complaints of ritualised nonacceptance; to the score of, I’ve Poked her, she has Poked him blah blah blah. Incidentally, I’ve never been married but (and should such a venture ever become treated as a ‘Status Update’), then I intend to be very married. To this end, then yes we should treat with degrees of caution ‘invitations’ (in your longer email you do state that these tend to be on the more flirtatious side) favoured by either a tender lady, or resilient gentleman.

How dull then that I am neither said tendered lady nor a gentleman of resilience.  I fear that I am tripping over the language of your ‘dilemma’ where it is that you inquire as to how ‘quickly‘ you may win someone’s confidence. If the ‘end game’ is for the intention to begin the brightest chapter of your life, then a good degree of upfront honesty is a refreshing, if not absolutely charming (read necessary), way forward. A good (learned-ed, as in academic and smart) friend of mine has honesty as part of his continuous repertoire. This makes him both devilishly charming, resiliently self-contained and utterly protected against any attempts to take cr*p from those who may betray his trust.

Good for him. Especially as his highest protocol for refined behaviour makes the rest of us look bad.

I suppose that such confidences are like the most ‘artful sandwich’ (favoured by moi is the french roll; fresh parsley, egg mayonnaise, watercress and a dash of cracked pepper and sea salt), by which I mean perfectly formed as a small ritual and mixing of the most perfect of ingredients. So if you are to be encountering those who are less than artful, why would you want to even try to win their confidence in the first place.

Professor, there’s a lot of faffing about on Facebook. Not made any easier by it’s recent MySpace clone-like Profile Page update. For now we as her user’s can take this in our stride, perhaps even laugh and joke about the strange phenomenon of advertising content that appears as if tagged from ‘friends’ and friends of friends.

Because Facebook acts as a public inquiry of ‘what is going on’ (and adds a nice divergence to you day) it is difficult not to advocate any degree of caution. I mean, why not live the heady rush of life in the fast lane, wind in your hair and through some spontaneity into the mix. Otherwise it all spells out as a grim play of cat on mouse.